I know it’s cold.
Snowflakes fall and melt on these bare hands. The flakes seem drawn by somethin’ to my skin. Cheeks, nose, and hands. Everything else is covered by cotton, wool, or the scruff of a mussed beard. All the skin I can see is the tip’a that nose and these hands. Snowflakes fall and fall and fall past that nose and onto these hands. Drops drip off the fingertips.
She used to say my hands were so warm. Just like that, every time she touched ‘em. So warm.
I know hers were cold, but never mentioned it. Never needed mentionin’. She knew. Couldn’t help bein’ cold. Winters were a hell. Could hardly cope, ‘specially on her own. Can’t see why she ever came up here.
She was on her own on a night like tonight, the night I saw her first. This town is small enough, so after a couple days it was bound to happen. Well, after a couple nights. In those times she preferred the nights. Rarely saw her in the sun much. Not much for some time. Not for some time. Not til spring, I guess, when it got a little warm toward noon and the sun stayed up a while longer. Then she’d come out in the light to stay a bit.
She struggled to the inn from the bar. New town, frozen streets. These elements weren’t hers. Never would be. Never could be.
Finally sat down on a bench to freeze herself to sleep. Good thing I came along, I reckon. Maybe no one would’a seen her. Maybe that’d be that.
Her one hand was tucked into the breast of her coat. The other just hung. Hung white as snow. Thought she might’a gone already. Reached out and held that hand. It was warm enough. Not dead, just needin’ a someone. Good thing I come along.
She woke up in my arms. Figured she’d do best back at the bar. Only place open that late, anyway. Gotta get a fire, ya know. Fire already burnin’. Nothin’ doin’ otherwise.
She woke up in my arms. Laced her frozen fingers through mine, those holdin’ up her legs. Kissed me right on the lips. Half dead, frozen stupid, and kissed me on the lips. Hers were ice. Mine weren’t. She kept ‘em there a bit, just soakin’ up the warm. Had to breathe out my nose. Breathin’ hard already, carryin’ her. The kiss caught my breath besides. Not sure if I inhaled until I sat her down right in front’a the fire. God, what a night.
Bought her a toddy and a bed. Figured the Mrs of the house take better care’a her than me. I got a warm house, but no one’d sleep there against her will. Her will was to sleep in my warm house every night after, as it happens.
Mornin’ after the master’a the tavern told her it was me who brought her back. Told her where to find me. She found me. Pulled me outta my field and took me to dinner right away. To repay me, I guess. Long dinner turned into a long supper. Long supper into a long night. Drinks at my place after, in front’a the fire in the kitchen. Just invited herself over. I didn’t mind much. Nice havin’ company after so long. Nice havin’ someone there, ya know. Someone to hold. Someone to keep warm.
Years like that. Just kept stayin’. And I’m not someone to fix what ain’t broke. Just kept sharin’ all the warmth I got. Had plenty. Seems like that’s all she ever want. Just needin’ someone to warm her.
Years and years and years. God, where’re they now? Into these achin’ bones and tired saggin’ skin, I guess. She weren’t gonna last up here, but that stray dog just wouldn’t leave. Didn’t have nowhere else to go, I s’pose. Fifteen years ain’t nothin’. She was a fighter, but fightin’ a fight she weren’t gonna win.
Died ten years past. Died a nasty cold, as it is. No surprise there. Died and gone as quick as she came. Died and gone and no one to keep me from my field now.
Some nights I walk the streets’a town. Used to do that with her. Always holdin’ her hand. Never let go. Couldn’t let go. She wouldn’t, so I wouldn’t. Simple as that.
Walk the streets alone now. Christmas ain’t a week away, if I remember right. Wreaths and lights and banners and candles up all over town for almost a month now. People make somethin’ of it, ya know. Somethin’ to hold onto these cold days. People need that, ya know.
I don’t. Ladies ‘round here say I’m cold. Ha. Cold. Know that’s not true. This body kept a cold one livin’ up here for fifteen years. Ain’t cold. Just got nothin’ to keep warm no more. Just got nothin’.
I know I’m not cold. Warm. Hot, even. Hot blooded. Never could feel much though. Never felt the bitin’ cold. Everyone else can, but shoot, I just never felt it. Didn’t know how warm I was til I had someone to keep warm. Never know how cold it is now that I don’t have to share the warm. Just keep to myself. Don’t feel nothin’ without her no more.
There’s clues all around. Smoke pourin’ outta chimneys. Fires castin’ shadows on curtains. Candles sharin’ a warm glow in the windows. Everyone else hides inside. Gotta stay warm. Gotta stay warm inside cause it’s cold out here. Gotta be.
I know it’s gotta be cold.